Diet & Nutrition Corner: (With just a pinch of humor)

Today's Feature: Cheeseburger Gastroenteritis
Being a single male runner on the go your lifestyle is much different from the average Joe. You don't always have a chance to thoughtfully plan for meals and there is no one other than yourself to cook for. Besides, no one really gives a rat's tail about your comings and goings anyway. As such, there is a chance that you may not be able to consume the food that you buy within a reasonable amount of time after its purchase. With this in mind, carefully examine your food products prior to their preparation, especially meat products. Look at them very closely. If nothing is visibly moving they are probably all right. Remember: When in Doubt, Don't Throw it Out; today's food costs good money. In your efforts to cook gourmet meals for yourself, you should be aware that there is only one other factor besides cost that is more important than taste and nutrition: CONVENIENCE. Consequently, today's featured meal uses the following ingredients:

1. Ragu Tomato Sauce (You want only the freshest ingredients so 
be sure that the jar of Ragu hasn't exceeded its expiration 
date. If it has, ask for a discount.)
2. Ground beef (Or pork, or turkey, or venison--whatever is 
available.)
3. White rice (Not brown--To hell with nutrition, the white 
sticky kind tastes better.)
4. Spices (Use them even if they were left behind by the 
previous occupant.)
5. Frozen peas
6. Frying pan (The indestructible skillet type you've had for 
the last 25 years; you forgot where it came from a long time 
ago.)
7. Two pots and one lid (It matters not if the lid doesn't 
match nor won't quite fit. It'll do.)
8. Gallon Jug of Milk
9. American cheese that has been pre-sliced (Living alone, you 
cut enough cheese as it is.)

Grab about a pound and a half of the ground beef, roll it up into a big ball, and then smack the living bejesus out of it for five or six minutes. Do this for two reasons: One, a real man's burger should never break apart during the cooking process, and two, there simply is no better way to release all of life's frustrations at having to live alone and cook for yourself. Place the burger in the frying pan. Throw a dollop-- roughly a heaping tablespoon--of butter onto the pan first so your burger doesn't stick. Use butter, not margarine; you might as well die of natural causes. A pound and a half of beef should cover the whole bottom of a 12-inch diameter skillet. If it doesn't, keep schwacking it until it does.

Timing is crucial when preparing a nutritious meal. First, place a slice of cheese onto the middle of your empty plate. Then, while the burger is still good and bloody, place another piece of cheese directly on the burger within the pan and hold the plate directly over it. This serves a double purpose: Not only does the plate get hot and melt the cheese that has been placed on it, that same plate captures and returns the heat escaping from the skillet and melts the cheese atop the burger. Plus, by using the same plate you'll be eating from you won't have to use--or more importantly, clean--the lid of the skillet. Pure brilliance, yes? Place the cheeseburger onto the slice of cheese lining the plate. Voila! You now have a double- cheese burger.

Now let's turn our attention to the rice. While it is still liquidy in the pan, place a slice of cheese on top of it. Then pour on some of the Ragu sauce. Half the jar ought to do it. Don't worry if the Ragu has been chilling in the refrigerator; the heat of the boiling rice in the pot will warm it up nicely. Use spices if you have them but I have no idea which ones go with what. In high school, I thought the Simon and Garfunkle song about Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme was about ex- girlfriends looking for closure of the relationship. When the saucy, cheese rice is done place it into a stainless steel bowl. Why stainless steel? Because this is the only type of bowl you have left from the divorce. Hurriedly, clean the pot you cooked the rice in so that the few kernels remaining don't molecularly bond with the pot. If this happens, it's Brillo- time. As a general rule, it is best to clean the pots before sitting down to eat. They might not get cleaned for days otherwise.

Bring the frozen peas to a rolling boil. Place a slice of cheese and some Ragu sauce into the green mass. Yes, sliced cheese and Ragu sauce are recurring themes in the single man's cooking motif. I mean, why not? You already have the cheese and Ragu sauce on the counter top--might as well make all that hassle of retrieving these ingredients worthwhile. Use your other stainless steel bowl as a drain to dispose of the water. (Thank God you were able to hide at least these bowls from the ex-wife--she did find and confiscate the ice cube trays though.) Pour the pea mixture into that same steel bowl that served as the drain. Clean the pot. A quick, cursory rinsing should be fine since peas don't cling to the pot like rice kernels do.

Eat your food while reading the newspaper. If tomato sauce should splash onto the print, simply turn the page and read a different story. Wash your meal down with milk by gulping it directly from the gallon jug. No, this is not barbaric, Neanderthal-type behavior; drinking from the jug serves a couple of purposes. First, you get a chance to work your pectoral muscles by repeatedly lifting the 8-pound jug to your lips. (There are eight pints to a gallon and a pint weighs a pound the world around.) Secondly, you are acting on behalf of the environment, conserving water by avoiding the use and cleansing of unnecessary drinking containers. Know in your heart that Greenpeace applauds your efforts.

After consuming a delicious meal like the one described above, you're ready to fall asleep in your lounge chair and dream of tomorrow's fine cuisine: Homemade macaroni and cheese. Yes, a surprise ingredient will be Ragu tomato sauce.

About the Author:

James Bates (formerly Jim Bates) is a graduate of the U.S. Army's Basic Combat Training program where he frequently served KP (kitchen police) duty. He gained invaluable culinary experience via dining at roadside stands, open market stalls, and cantinas in Honduras, Mexico, Korea, the Philippines, India, and the Dominican Republic. Most of his resultant hospital stays have been short-lived and his stomach problems usually went away on their own after only a few months.

Here we see the legendary Runner's Chef, James Bates, beating the ground beef into submission. (All photos by the venerable Dave Venable.)

By placing a plate with a cheese slice over a burger with a cheese slice, Chef James Bates is able to melt two slices of cheese at once thereby creating a double-cheese, burger without having to clean additional dishes.

The lucky Chef is able to personally enjoy the delicious meal he himself has prepared. Here he is relishing his peas with cheese and Ragu sauce, rice with cheese and Ragu sauce, the newspaper with Ragu sauce, and a pound and a half of burger with cheese and more cheese. Notice that because of his concern for the environment, he avoids the use of a drinking glass entirely. Bravo!