All's fair in love and war.
- Francis Edward Smedley

A prince must be a lion, but he must
also know how to play the fox.
- Niccolo Machiavelli

Go on. Admit it. It's okay. It'll be good for you. You hate getting beaten in races by an acquaintance who is a slightly more talented runner than you. (Did I say "acquaintance?" Let's just call him your archrival and be done with it.)

Back in high school, he was a goody two-shoes, a cloying suck-up with high grades, a 1300 on his SAT, and a lengthy extracurricular resume. The narrow self-interest of this obsequious smiler and model student stuck in your craw then, just as losing to him in races does now. And although he, as an adult, has masked his tendency toward self-aggrandizement, he seems to be just a little too magnanimous after races. You can sense his total glee at having whupped you yet again, particularly as it is sequestered behind a giant cloud of cosmic flatulence entitled "Fitness and Fun."

And while there is a special room in Hell for these infuriating people, until they die, the most you can do is use every trick in the book to get to the finish line ahead of them.

Howzat? You don't have a book of tricks? Good! Because if you did, this article would have to end right here. I just happen to have some stratagems at the ready----ploys that should help you put your archrival in his place (which, of course, is behind you at the finish line).

The key to defeating a runner who is a tad faster than you is to psych him out----distract him, make him lose his focus and thereby prevent him from running his best. The following list of 30 psych-out tactics, slightly dirty methods that, if used correctly, will incense and perplex your archrival (thus causing him to concentrate on something other than the race at hand), and should enable you to tip the balance in your favor. Feel free to select liberally from the list...and don't forget to put in a plug for the author of the list after the race is over.

Let Him Stew
1. Get in the registration line ahead of him and ask the volunteers at the registration table all sorts of inane questions as you fill out the entry form. And don't forget to make a big production out of paying your entry fee.

2. Cut in the porta-john line ahead of him and take your good old time in the toity.

3. Delay the race. Retie your shoelaces at the starting line directly in front of the field. (Note: This psych-out tactic may get you pistol-whipped by the starter, not to mention eviscerated by irate runners anxious to get going.)

Invade His Personal Space
4. Root through his ditty bag without asking for his permission. Tell him you are looking for some petroleum jelly.

5. Become a "close talker" like the irrepressible Judge Reinhold on "Seinfeld."

Offer Advice
6. Point out all of the major hills on the course.

7. Remind him about the windchill factor (or the heat index, as the case may be). Or ask a "benign" weather-related question: "Is it too hot for you today? It's too hot for me."

8. Mention that the race is not a do-or-die situation, that there'll be more races next week, next month, next year.

Offer Bad Advice (Tell Little White Lies)
9. "I have it on good authority that the course is poorly marked-- --for instance, runners are supposed to hang a right at the 3- mile mark, but there's no course marshal or arrow on the road there."

10. "I heard the age-group prizes aren't worth diddly squat."

Be Solicitous
11. Ask about his health:"I hope you're over that flu. You still look a little fatigued." (Or:"Your knee isn't hurting you too much anymore, is it?")

12. Ask about his family: "Has your daughter stopped seeing that drug dealer yet?" "Did your wife ever get that nasty-looking mole removed from her derriere?" "What the heck was your son doing in a holding cell at police headquarters last night?"

13. Ask about his job: "I heard that your company is going to be downsizing next week. Are you getting a pink slip?"

Be Interesting
14. If you have a reputation as a raconteur, begin a story or a joke while the two of you are standing at the starting line and then interrupt yourself about 30 seconds before the race begins: "Didja hear the one about David Spade and the Victoria's Secret model? Oops----I'll hafta finish it later."

Intimidate Him
15. Allude to your recent weightlifting workouts with your trainer, Bruiser Butkus, and your increasing concern about taking all of the steroids Bruiser's been giving you. Let it slip that you don't know what came over you when you tried to strangle the taxi driver who told you to have a nice day.

16. Ruminate aloud about past slights and injustices.

17. Feign 'roid rage. Any old apoplectic fit will do, so don't be afraid to be creative.

Flatter Him
18. Confess that you've decided he's simply faster than you are and that you've given up trying to beat him.

Exaggerate Your Aches and Pains
19. Giving a prolonged and tedious account of one's recent injuries is such a cliche that you'll want to go the extra mile (so to speak) to make yours convincing. Do that by interrupting your litany of injuries several times to beg your archrival and passersby for Ben-Gay and Percocet. Guaranteed to get you inducted into the Hyperbole Hall of Fame.

Pooh-Pooh Your Recent Training
20. "My training has been sinking so fast, I swear I can hear the theme song from Titanic every time I go out for a run."

Insult Him
21. Your choice: "Oooo-eeee. Is that your new aftershave I smell? What's the name of that stuff, Eau de Running Shoe?" "I heard you were so lame in high school that when the history teacher asked you a question about the Tang Dynasty, you thought she was referring to the monopoly that Kraft Foods had on NASA beverages." "I want you to know that when Joe called you a knuckle-dragging troglodyte, I stood up for you and said your knuckles were clean."

Reason With Him
22. Make the same pitch that the tortoise made to the hare: "If you win, there's no story. If I win----fable."

Remind Him of Painful Incidents in His Past
23. "Remember when Sister Mary Katherine caught you with 'Amerigo Vespucci' scribbled on your palm? You must have been humiliated when she made you stand up and tell the class that you lacked the discipline to study for the test. And that ruler really must have stung, too."

Let Him Know You're a Little Nuts
24. Show up in garish colors that clash. (A beanie with a propeller is also a nice touch.)

25. Do some bizarre warm-up exercises----burpies, say.

26. Throw in an elaborate bout of prerace hysteria.

27. One minute before the start of the race, segue from freaked- out mode to blissful calm by chanting Bill Rodgers's memorable quote: "If you want to win a race, you have to go a little berserk."

28. Then take Boston Billy's advice: Go a little berserk during the race. Make a move worthy of Miruts Yifter (a.k.a. Yifter the Shifter) at a completely inappropriate time. And don't forget the sound effects----which is to say, let out a blood-curdling scream as you make your crazy-ass move.

29. If your archrival tries to pass you, accelerate, wave your arms wildly, and yell something nonsensical like "I am Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!"

30. Finally, threaten to pull out a Glock and aerate anyone who comes close to you.

One final thought: No victory over an archrival is complete without rubbing salt in his wounds. Top off your win with this zinger adapted from the movie Good Will Hunting:

You (to your archrival): "Do you like apples?"

Archrival: "Yeah."

You (with lip-smacking relish): "Well, I just beat your butt. How do you like them apples?"

Nota bene: Even if you decide not to use any of the above psych-out tactics, you should commit them to memory because it's a sure bet that somewhere down the line, someone else is going to try them on you.

Bernie Greene says he wins through hard work and clean living. (Yeah, right.)