Picture this: two-time New York City Marathon winner John Kagwe waving his arms and hectoring a recalcitrant no. 9 pin. Cherry Blossom winner and fellow Kenyan Teresa Wanjiku--ant-like in her strength--heaving a bowling ball weighing more than ten percent of her body mass nearly halfway down the lane, then exploding with glee upon tossing back-to-back strikes.

How about U.S. Olympian Linda Somers-Smith, arms akimbo, legs spinning cartoon-like in an unsuccessful attempt to remain upright as she skids past the foul line and down the lane? Or, observing the goings-on with the detached air of an African prince, but bedecked like a lunatic in a velour leopard-print floppy hat and sunglasses and swilling Budweiser, masters runner extraordinaire, Simon Korori? And perhaps most extraordinary of all, masters champion Jane Weltzel managing to keep her shirt on after every mark--unlike years past, and long before Brandy Chastain made flashing so fashionable.

Just another post-race party in Grand Rapids, MI, at the Old Kent (now Fifth Third, don't ask) Riverbank Run, site of the U.S. 25K national championships.

Scoff, do you? At the odd distance, 15.642 miles? Or at mighty Grand Rapids, home to Gerald R. Ford and Amway Distributing Co.? Well, I used to, too. But not anymore. Aside from the 38th president and the mother of all home sales businesses, Grand Rapids annually hosts the best road race in America. The event this May was no exception.

Getting to Grand Rapids is never easy--no one just happens upon Jerry Ford's boyhood home. Whether connecting out of Pittsburgh or Chicago, tiny planes sputter over one or another of the Great Lakes to finally arrive at about the ring finger on the Michigan catcher's mitt.

When I touched down, quasi-queasy after a turbulent flight, conditions were about normal--cool with a light rain. From Washington, spring in Grand Rapids always seems four weeks behind, and unlikely to ever catch up.

Right off the plane, a bunch of the invited runners (please don't call us "elite," we do so like you little people) were greeted by a bank representative who drove us to the Amway Grand Hotel, race headquarters for the weekend. Fred, a commercial loan officer, admitted he couldn't care less about the race, but the bank made sure many of its higher-ups "volunteer" for at least some of the weekend duties. Fifth Third, which recently merged with Old Kent, kicks in about $300,000 as title sponsor.

The Amway hotel is grand indeed. The decor is old-style; the rambling lobby is festooned with palm trees, fountains, and glittering chandeliers. A bronze plaque lists dignitaries, celebrities and heads of state (from Lady Bird Johnson to Madonna) who have visited at one time or another. For the invited runners, the hospitality suite (Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau slept there) was our first stop. We picked up numbers, T-shirts, sports drinks, bagels, and M&Ms. Other perks included Amway bucks, the hotel funny money we used for room service, hotel restaurants, and Mother's Day gifts.

The race, well, it was first-rate. There've been some strong efforts at 25K. This year, Kenyan Joseph Kariuki, who set the 25K world record of 1:13:55 in Grand Rapids in 1999, tangled with countrymen John Kagwe and Ronald Mogaka, who ran a 2:12 marathon debut in 1999.

Kagwe used a big finishing kick to hold off Mogaka by four seconds, winning in a quick 1:14:06. Astoundingly, Kariuki finished fifth and out of the open prize money in 1:16:16. "The other guys ran good today," said Kariuki. Although he looks like a serial killer, Kariuki may be the most generous of the foreign athletes to run in America. If you ever get the chance, ask to see photos of his kids.

Even though they finished out of the chase for the top spots, the Americans ran fast and competed honorably. Chad Johnson, from the USA Running-sponsored Hanson's camp in Rochester, took fourth overall in 1:16:11. Weldon Johnson, from Washington and now training at altitude in Flagstaff, AZ, finished 10th.

But the raison d'etre is to have fun in Grand Rapids, and elite athlete coordinator Greg "The Last American to Win Boston" Meyer and hostess Tricia VandenBerg take their duties personally. So after bowling, it was on to a barbecue at the home of Meyer's high school chum, Denny Scully. And the merriment continued, so long as the megalomaniacal Teddy Mitchell remained clothed and reasonably sedated.

Low-brow? Definitely. But, hey, the symphony was out of town. And for the international contingent, it's a welcome change from the mercenary aspects of most road races. Masters runner Andrey Kuznetsov, from Rockville by way of Vladivostok, and now the proud holder of a 64 bowling average, affected his best Arnold accent (which is to say, Russian) and smirked: "I'll be back."